Beautiful Surprise

people who know me on a personal level know that my girlfriend and me started out as friends. we would hang together: do homework, study, watch movies, talk on the phone, basically everything that couples do. then it dawned on me one day, "what if we got together? could this thing work? would this ruin the strong friendship that we have built together?" i was afraid. not afraid to ask her out, but afraid that i would destroy something that we had worked so hard to make solid.

getting together with a true friend seemed really awkward at first. i couldn't call her and complain about my woman problems because she was the woman in my life now. i also found myself making a lot of sacrifices and changes in my life that would suit her, and she made a lot of changes also. i can honestly say that she brought and brings out the best in me and i continue to encourage her to give her all in everything. the two of us are a powerful couple, and that's not just my opinion but the opinion of others who see us.

us hooking up was a beautiful surprise and i dedicate these lyrics, courtesy of india.arie to her:

it's like yesterday
i didn't even know your name
now today
you're always on my mind
i never could have predicted that I feel this way
you are beautiful surprise
intoxicated every time I hear your voice
you've got me on a natural high
it's almost like I didn't even have a choice
you are a beautiful surprise

whatever it is you came to teach me
i am here to learn it cause
i believe that we are written in the stars
i don't know what the future holds
but I'm living in the moment
and I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are
you are everything I ask for in my prayers
so I know my angels brought you to my life
your energy is healing to my soul
you are a beautiful surprise
you are an inspiration to my life
you are the reason why I smile
you are a beautiful surprise

open mic night

open mic night has rolled around again! last month i went and had a great time. to my surprise, our school really has some great poets and rappers. i took a poem with me last month to recite, but i didn't do it. i punked out and nikki was kinda mad with me. lol. hopefully i'll build up the nerve to get up there and show my creative side tonight. if i can just sign my name on the paper, then it won't be a problem. i'm a shy guy- what more can i say? even though i have no problem showcasing my work on this site, it's kinda different when you perform a piece. that's because i like to give my all when i do something. finding the right poem that everybody can connect with will be kind of hard, but i think i'll give it a shot tonight. i'll let you know how everything turns out- aiight! wish me luck.

homecoming 2005

well world, it's me again, coming from fort valley to let you know what all happened to me during our school homecoming week. everything started off pretty cool. the kickoff was actually kinda cool and my girlfriend was down so i was able to chill with her for a while. this was the first time i had actually seen our band this year (since the people at SAM'S CLUB think it's a requirement for me to work every damn weekend) and i thought they did a pretty good job. it's funny how the freshmen were super crunk, but the seniors were just there like, "whatever- we're about to graduate, and we're too grown for that shit!" everybody had a good time though. no fights, no arguments, just a bunch of black kids having a good time!

tuesday...comedy show...i was able to go to the comedy show and laugh at all the silly ass people who had the nerve to make telling jokes their career. i thought the show was gonna be lame since it only cost $5 to get in and nobody had any idea of who was going to be there. the first guy to hit the stage was one of our own. he was a student here, but some guy in the audience booed him before he could even get into his act good! after that, the dude just walked the hell off the stage, and it seemed to me like his act was gonna be kind of good. i guess he needs to work on his confidence issues though. if i were him, i would have had them turn the lights on and made up a whole show about the guy in the audience. by the time i was through with him, he never would have booed anybody ever again! but the rest of the comedians brought some good material and we had a ball.

thursday...club night...and i had i good time! i didn't really walk around the club like i usually do because i did go with my girlfriend and we found a good place in the middle of THE ROCK to get our groove on. we danced the night away and everything was all good, but then you know some ignorant n.i.g.g.a.s had to break out into a fight! why can't we all just get along? and then what makes it so bad is the fact that they got into it on a slow song- what the fuck?! people are really crazy these days!

alphas step, omegas step, kappas step, sigmas step, gangstas walk, pimps gon' talk-ooo oowee naw that gangstas raw- SGRhos step, AKAs step, deltas step, zetas step, gangstas walk, pimps gon' talk-ooo oowee naw that gangstas raw!- excerpt from kanye west's school spirit

friday...greek stompfest...this event was entertaining but it really could have been a little better. i was satisfied because i already knew what was going to happen. i knew that the deltas would win, i knew that the kappas would be lickin some whip cream from somewhere or off somebody, i knew that the alphas would bring their best step game, i knew that the sigmas would get the crowd crunk, and i knew the omegas would come out hoppin'. it was all good though. everyone appeared to have a good time and it was good to see some sense of unity in our black people.

saturday...game day...this was probably my favorite day, even though i had to go to work. like everyone else, i did go out and get me some fresh gear to wear and i have to admit that me and my girlfriend looked kinda fly (check out the pic at the top)! i only walked up the strip once cause it was kinda cold and i wasn't trying to get sick or any bullshit like that! we ended up over a friend's house playing cards and drinking some pineapple parrot bay! it was a good night! and my homeboy finally confessed his love for my other friend from south kack! lol. they were trippin me out! too bad it was my last homecoming- i'm gonna miss this old place!

earlier this week...

hey wussup world? just wanted to put you on some shit that happened earlier this week. most people in fort valley are excited because this is one of the biggest times the city has- our homecoming week! it's a tradition in this city and people come from all over to see what's going on and support the different events that happen during the course of this week. however, some of my teachers, or one in particular, feel that it is a waste of time and students should be in class and blah, blah, fucking blah!

anyway, monday was our kickoff and he said that he feels that the whole thing is a waste of time. keep in mind that he's never been to this event because he's already made up in his mind that he won't like it and it's going to bore him out of his mind. but isn't this what they're trying to teach us? not to prejudge things, and take a chance at a new opportunity?! it's crazy! but he doesn't give a damn- not about you, not about me, and he's depriving himself of a lesson that can probably make him a better person! but listen to my words and let me know what you think...

9:00 in the morning
rolling my eyes,
singing songs in my head.
listening to bullshit
about what goes on in the pulpit
cause my professor doesn' give a damn
about who i am
or what i like to do.

as long a i don't come to class
and show my ass
but shake my head and agree-
"oh gosh, maybe I'll get an A or a B!"
but he'll TRY to give me a C
cause he's wondering "how could this black BOY be
so smart
so calm
so determined
so muthafuckin independent?"

so he talks down about my people
it's disguised, but I see through
all the bullshit he talks
and I find myself wanting to walk
out the door- and it's me he'll miss
but I give him my ass to kiss
and I shake my head because it's SAD
but he swears that I'm MAD
about some shit he said in class
BUT I WASN'T EVEN LISTENING.

i was writing this piece instead
it's like everything he said
was dead
without life
making no fucking sense
to my black ass
cause I purposely get to class
about fifteen minutes late everyday.

but this is our homecoming week!

school spirit is high,
and i'm thinking "oh shit, oh my
what the hell will i wear to the step show"
i have no idea, i don't know.
and just when i think i have it
my mind comes back to this class....DAMMIT!
he's saying school is a treasure
so i'm wondering why he won't give HIMSELF the pleasure
of partaking in a tradition
and going to the fucking homecoming kickoff!

N.I.G.G.A

Never Ignorant about Getting Goals Accomplished

N.I.G.G.A at school...

...sometimes i feel like there is a lot of pressure on me. i am the first one to go to college in my family, which makes me a role model, not only for my two younger brothers, but for a host of cousins, nieces, nephews,etc. i'm not the first one to attempt this college thing. my cousin tried it, but didn't finish. my aunt tried it, and didn't finish. hell, at one point i thought i wouldn't finish! but for once in my life i made a decision to do something that i really loved- i changed my major from mathematics to english, and that was probably one of the best decisions i ever made in my life. i was afraid to tell my dad at first because he wanted me to be an engineer so badly, but to my surprise he was supportive of my decision and told me to pursue my dreams! i was ecstatic and every since then, i have been working hard to make sure that i do everything i can at fort valley state university to be a success, not a failure.

N.I.G.G.A at work...

...you can ask any of my friends and they will tell you that i really like my job. sometimes i think i should be on their promotions team or maybe even in a commercial because i am constantly telling them to get things from sam's club! i have to admit, members have a tendency to get under my skin sometimes, but that comes with the job right? WRONG!! it's okay to me- as long as i can curse ignorant mofos out under my breath and thank them with a smile in the end, my day is satisfactory! i refuse to let these people bring me out of my calm state- why bother? some of them think that because i'm a young, black man that i have a short temper. well, they're right about that part, but i have something that you call self-control. this has gotten me a long way and i'm sure it will take me even higher in years to come! (now don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to make a career out of this shit!).

N.I.G.G.A at home...

...i don't want to brag or anything, but i have to admit that i am proud of what i have. unlike most 21 year olds in my predicament, i have my own car, my own place to stay, i pay my own bills (with a little help from dad every now and then), and i have been able to hold down my relationship with my girlfriend for almost two years! sounds like a lot, but i've been able to manage! i try to be a good example for others around me. the pressure gets to me sometimes, but i eventually overcome it. what would life be without a couple of challenges-right? we just have to learn to live with what we have and make the most out of it. that's what i do, and that's what i will continue to do as long as i live!

PEACE & LOVE

i AM hip-hop

IN MEMORY OF FALLEN SOLDIERS


the introduction...
...music is a source of inspiration for many people. there are songs to help you out of a situation, no matter what the situation may be. there are songs to let you know that shedding tears is alright because they let you know that you aren't the only person that has gone through the struggle. but in conjunction to that, there are songs to let you know that you have to keep your head up and you eventually have to stop crying. sometimes you just have to let go. many of those songs come from hip-hop albums. and now the situation...

...i am at work talking with one of my colleagues, trying to school him on how hip-hop music makes an impact on all people, not just black people. this colleague then stated, "well it hasn't made an impact on me, so i don't think the methods that they are using are successful. i don't want to see some lady shake her ass all over my television. that's incentive for me to turn the channel. most of them rappers are just ignorant anyway." i then began to laugh because i am always debating on some type of music with some other closed-minded person. you see, he thought that because i can sit up and sing "Wake Me Up When September Ends" with him that i wasn't going to defend the artform that MY culture has brought into existence. he thought that because i don't wear my rocawear, sean john, triple five soul, and hip-hop t- shirts that i wasn't going to voice my opinion when the truth is i just don't wear them to work because i'm not about to get my GOOD clothes dirty! shittin' me!

i then asked him if he'd listened to common's BE album, or maybe the root's TIPPING POINT, or mos def's THE NEW DANGER, or talib kweli's THE BEAUTIFUL STRUGGLE. his face drew a blank, which again proved my point. you see people are quick to talk about some shit they have no idea about, and it is really becoming the norm which is very sad. of course people are going to put eye candy in their videos because regardless if he likes it or not, others do, and since they also have bills to pay they have to perform their respective crafts. now some may say that the media is putting bad images in the minds of our youth, but the media isn't supposed to raise kids- PARENTS are. people are so quick to blame others for things that they are lacking. whatever the case may be.... i digress...

but the point i was trying to make to him was i AM hip-hop, so him calling hip-hop artists ignorant is an insult to me. the way that i dress, the way that i perceive things, the way that i am perceived by other people makes me hip-hop, and i am fine with that. as long as i can defend anything that i say and show people that i am an intelligent, black man with high goals and challenges that i strive to accomplish one day, then everything is all good. and those rappers aren't ignorant. they are hustlers- using the talents that they discovered within themselves and bringing those talents to life. i think i may introduce my colleague to my cousin's friend that i mentioned in "open minded vs. close minded." i think the two of them could teach each other a lesson or two- don't you?

Hip Hop Artists Common, Mos Def, and Talib Kweli

angry

okay my people, i have to let you in on the ongoing drama in my life. lol. on monday, i was sitting in my class not really paying attention, but writing poems and doing shit that would really keep my attention- ANYTHING TO KEEP ME FROM FALLING ASLEEP! my teacher, who shall remain nameless, started talking about kanye west and how he didn't like the "jesus walks" video and blah blah blah. a friend of mine, nikki, looked at me and said something about "angry nigger music," which was funny at the time, but it made me think about some things in life.

many times i find myself angry and upset over some shit that i can't control. i get mad and curse and scream and shout, but nothing has changed after that. i've just gotten my blood pressure up and wasted a bunch of energy that i should have saved for another time. however, i was inspired to compose a work of art after joking about the "angry nigger music." that's how i am though. i always try to bring something positive out of the negative! please let me know what you think about this piece.......


i'm angry because
my great-grandmother remembers being treated like shit.
because some ignorant man called my mom a bitch.
because niggas call me a snitch
when i try to do the right thing.

i'm angry because
life makes you that way.
because each and every day
people have something to say
about the shit that i do.

i'm angry because
i have a right to be.
because if you were me
you'd go insane quite frequently
from all the things that were going on.

I'm angry because
of this money i had to borrow.
because i'll be happy tomorrow
and forget all the sorrow
that i went through today.

open minded vs. closed minded

people in today's society are ignorant as all hell! that is a powerful statement, but that is honestly the way that i feel. one of my cousin's friends told me the other day, "what was that crap you listening to on your radio?" because i was playing a cd that has Maroon 5, T.I., Nickelback, The Click Five and Young Jeezy on the same cd. so am i listening to crap because I like all types of music, or are you just ignorant because you haven't expanded your horizons? that's the problem many people have- they find a comfort zone and stay in it. they don't try to branch out and try new things, but they stay closed-minded and have no problem with it.

so am i listening to crap when i hear my roommate play his guitar, or am i listening to a future masterpiece? the problem is, most people don't know what good music is. they want to listen to "girl shake that laffy taffy," and "shake that ass up and down, now wiggle it a little bit" all day long. i'm not saying that there's a problem with that type of music, but that's just one genre. we shouldn't put down other people's creative work when we haven't taken the time to effectively listen to it. to me, all music tells a story- latin music may just have heavy melodies of a spanish guitar, rap music may have complex drums, country may have an acoustic guitar, but they all tell the same story. we need to become familiar with all types of music. only then can you voice your closed-minded opinion and have me take any of it into consideration!

B.L.I.N.D.

Because Love Is Not Dead

*acronymn courtesy of J. Denmark

my mom and step dad separated in september of last year. although that may sound bad, it was one of the best things that happened last year. you see, the two of them argued everyday and even came close to fighting some days. my mom wanted him out in july, but he just refused to leave. my mom even lost twenty pounds because of the stress that he was causing her.

one night, around 11:00, my mom called me and told me that he had choked her. i then took the 35 minute ride from fort valley to macon in about 20 minutes. luckily, when i arrived he was gone. my mom showed me the bruise on her neck from where he had grabbed her, and at that moment i began to pack up his shit. i now had enough hate in my system for this man to really hurt him, which is all i wanted to do! within the next couple of days, all that belonged to him no longer remained in my mom's house. a man that i had so much respect for had crossed me in the wrong way. i didn't even speak to him anymore. i would take my brothers to see him and i would sit in the car and listen to the radio because i didn't want to snap and cause a situation.

two months after i evicted my step dad, he got news that his cancer had come back, and this time it was worse than before. my brothers talked with my mom because he wanted them to move in with him. i don't think that this was a control issue for my step dad, but i think he knew that he was about to go through something he couldn't control.

in december, my middle brother, who is fifteen, called and told me that his dad was losing a lot of weight because he couldn't eat much. in a month's time, he had gone from 180 to 158 pounds. i couldn't imagine him being that small. despite the anger i had for him, i now began to have sympathy for him. on christmas day, i went to see him. i had never really seen my step dad cry, but when i walked through his door tears began to roll down his eyes. he apologized for everything that he had put the family through and asked for my forgiveness, and for the first time in a long time he made me smile.

we had no idea what 2005 would bring. my step dad was constantly in and out of the hospital and he was getting smaller and smaller. by april, he was at 105 pounds. he had to take steroids because it hurt for him to walk. i give my brothers the utmost respect because there is no way i could have sat there and watched him drift away like that. i told my mom that things weren't looking good for him. despite all that he had put her through i could still tell that she still loved him. the tears were building up in her eyes and she did everything she could to fight them, but she wasn't successful.

one morning in june,around three o'clock, my brother called and said i needed to come to macon because the ambulance was at his dad's house. my mom was also there crying. i already knew what the expect when i got dressed to take the ride. when i arrived my entire family was in the front yard praying and shedding tears. i was too late- he had gone already. my heart was broken because i didn't get to say any last words, but i was happy because he didn't have to suffer anymore.

after the people from the mortuary came and got him, my aunt said words that i will never forget. she stated, "he may be gone, but the love he had for all of us is not dead." i didn't understand it then, but i understand it now. his spirit lives on in all of us and as long as we continue to do things to remember him, the love that he possessed for us will never die.

MAY HE REST IN PEACE